You will disagree. You will argue. You will fight. It's your choice whether those fights, disagreements and arguments kill your relationship or bring you closer together. Odds are good that you don't yet know how to fight in such a way that it brings you closer together. If it were an everyday skill, we wouldn't be seeing fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.
Fighting that ends quickly, with little damage and a touch of humor can actually strengthen your bond. In this article, we'll talk about what you'll be fighting about, so when these issues arise, you will be well prepared to handle them.
Let's start by agreeing that you and your partner are two different people. And, you will have different expectations, principles, beliefs, rules, learnings, judgements, standards, etc.
This list applies to virtually every couple that ever paired up. What does it mean? It means that you aren't "right" in being the way you are. It means that your partner isn't "wrong" in being the way your partner is. You are just different.
When a couple really messes things up, and each partner thinks that he or she is "right" about one or all of these issues, and (usually, after waiting way too long, ) they go to the couples' counselor, it becomes a contest to convince the counselor that "I am right and my partner is wrong."
To save you that pain, misery, fighting and heartache, you need to know something right now, and right up front. You aren't right! Your partner isn't wrong! You're just different!
Let's go back to those other things on the list above. Expectations, ethics or principles, ambition, timeliness, roles, money, neatness or sex, are 'issues' about which each of you will have different needs, wants, habits, goals, expectations, learnings, beliefs, etc.
Your partner will have differences from you. Count on it. Expect it. Assume it. Know it. That does not make your partner wrong. It does not make you right. You are just different.
Our goal on this site is to help you Insure your Relationship Lasts. We want you never to need a counselor. We want you to exercise the five magical traits that make relationships last. We'll do our best to help you be positive, optimistic, appreciative, slow to anger with happy memories.
We'll also help you learn to cope with the differences you will absolutely be certain to have with your partner. Please consider this the first introduction to "Coping."
Before you learn how to cope with the tough issues that you will face in your relationship, we'll talk briefly about 9 explosive relationship issues. These are the kinds of things that people bring to counselors. These are issues you'll learn to cope with effectively.
Of course your partner is different than you expected. Frankly, it doesn't matter what you expected. You have to deal with what is. So, the first rule of coping is, practice accepting and forgiving whenever your partner does or says something different than you expected. Nobody knows "why" you expected something different than you got, (and nobody really cares), but it's important to notice that you had erroneous expectations.
Your partner isn't wrong. Your partner is simply different. Different is good. Expect the differences. Cherish the differences. Love your partner for and because of the differences.
Expect that your partner will be more scrupulous, or less scrupulous than you. Expect that your partner will lie when you wouldn't, and won't lie when you would. That's life. That's people.
Lighten up on the ethics and principles stuff. Your concept of ethics and morality isn't engraved in stone. Think Free Will. Think Freedom of thought. Think "I love my partner,"
Expect that one of you will be more ambitious or driven than the other. Expect that the other one will be less ambitious or less driven than the other. Neither is "right." Neither is "wrong." And, it doesn't matter what you expected, or what 'society' expects, or cultural norms or anything else. Concentrate on, "I love my partner … regardless of our differences."
Expect that one of you will be more time conscious than the other. Expect that one of you or the other will always be saying, "hurry up, we've got to go." He/She isn't doing it on purpose. They aren't doing it to spite you. Everybody goes on their own rhythm. There are solid arguments for each side. Accept the differences. Love your partner.
Men's and women's roles have evolved and changed rapidly over the past 100 years. It would be a miracle if a couple didn't have different thoughts, opinions, expectations, beliefs, about gender roles. Each of you will see the other as extreme in one direction or the other. Expect these differences. Expect them to grow and solidify. Accept these differences in your partner without judgement or labeling. Coping means accepting things that might not be naturally easy for you to accept. Just remember that the future of the bundle of love that you and your partner feel is in your hands. By coping with differences, you minimize the affect of differences. Keep that love alive. You want to be feeling that love and more when you celebrate your umpteenth anniversary. You'll achieve that if you can accept differences between you.
One of you will be more careful with money than the other. Expect this. Accept it. Compromises are useful, but resolution is impossible. You are different. Your partner isn't wrong. Just different.
One of you will be neater than the other. The neatnick can't be labeled obsessive/compulsive, and the less neat can't be labeled a slob. Resign yourself to doing more than your share of picking up, or less than your share. Expect the differences. Accept the differences. Avoid assigning motives to your partner's attitude toward clutter. Love your partner. Accept that you are annoyingly different on some issues, and your partner could be annoyingly different on others. Cope effectively, and you won't feel annoyed at all. You'll cherish and love your partner.
Is she frigid? Are you a satyr?
Is he asexual? Are you a nymphomaniac?
Of all the differences between two people, the emotion laden issue of sexual frequency and desire can be one of the most explosive differences. Expect that there will be differences. Expect that the differences might change day by day, month by month, and year by year. Expect and accept those differences.
Just as man is different from woman. Each man is different, and so is each woman. Begin your lifelong relationship with an accepting understanding of those differences. Coping means accepting and forgiving that which cannot or will not be changed. Coping means preserving your loving bond.
There are more issues, but that's enough to illustrate what awaits every couple. Half of all marriages fail. Half endure.
Ten to twenty percent of all marriages are very, very happy. You and your partner can join that last twenty percent by adjusting your expectations so that you are not surprised by any of these 8 explosive issues. By expecting these issues to arise, and by accepting your partner and your partner's differences, you will happily navigate the biggest rocks on the shores of the matrimonial sea.
To learn more about how to insure your relationship lasts, read Don't Fight! I Get it. But, How?"
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