Research now proves that when looking for a partner, we tend to put way too much importance on attraction and attractiveness.
When each of us was young (probably before we were nine years old), we were imprinted with the things we would find attractive once we grew up.
For many of us, the most powerful imprinting was visual. Certain kinds of faces, complexions, and hair color attract us; other kinds of faces, complexions, and hair color don’t.
For other people, the imprinting can include the way a person smells, or the way the skin feels, so the imprinting isn’t visual as much as it is touch or feel. For still others, the imprinting can be primarily auditory: we’re attracted to certain voice pitches, textures, or tones, or the way a person laughs.
No matter how we’re imprinted, when someone matches some or all of our imprinting, the attraction “Boing!” goes off in our heads and we lose our grip on reality. Have you heard of “love at first sight?” That’s not love; it’s just attraction. But, it can hit you so hard it feels like “it must be love.”
Poor Sonja kept falling for men who would beat her. She was imprinted to be attracted to guys with that “certain look.” Unfortunately, that look was the look of a stupid thug who has no respect for his partner.
Undoubtedly, you know stories of people who keep repeating the same mistakes when it comes to relationships. That comes from giving way too much importance to attraction.
The purpose of attraction is just to get the relationship ball rolling. After the pair is dating (or is in some other form of courting), attraction plays a less and less important role.
Science and research now tell us that if we really want the relationship to last, we should be looking for a partner who is positive, optimistic, appreciative, slow to anger, and has happy memories.
Are you imprinted to be attracted to those traits? If you are, great. Let attraction play a big part in your selection of a lifetime partner.
Most of us are imprinted for other things. Yet, because attraction can be so powerful, and it feels so good, we let ourselves be led astray, and drawn toward people who are 'attractive,' based on our childhood imprinting.
You know the stories: The woman who keeps marrying alcoholics; The man who keeps marrying women who will flirt and carry on with other men. The point is the same. Attraction can lead us astray. We give it far too much weight in our assessments of potential partners.
It's common in stories told by people who’ve been happily married for 50 years or more to hear that one or the other of them wasn't at all attracted to their partner when they first met.
The evidence is overwhelming. You don't need to be attracted to someone in order to marry and have a happy, life-long marriage. Sure, it's a nice bonus if you find your partner attractive. But, it isn't necessary. For reasons we won't explore here, it's more comfortable if both partners are somewhat near the same general level of attractiveness, as seen by others. (Beauty and the Beast is a fairy tale.)
So, when searching for a lifetime partner, science tells us that we should be attracted to potential partners with the magical five traits: positivity, optimism, being appreciative, slow to anger, and having happy memories.
Give much less weight to the amount of attraction you feel. Believe it or not, your most attractive partner could even be somewhat plain. But, if your partner helps you feel good about yourself, is happy and helps you be happy, shares a lot of trust, makes you feel safe and secure, you will find your partner becomes more and more attractive to you over a lifetime of love together.
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