You're Not Attracted to Anyone

In this article, we'll deal with the question: "What do I do if I can't find anyone I'm attracted to?"

We all can be victims of our expectations sometimes. Hollywood movies, magazine articles, and love stories shape our expectations about attraction. We expect the "Absolute Wow!!!!!" and we can be disappointed when it doesn't happen to us. We can let great candidates slip past because we don't get the "Big Wow."

There are a full range of reactions you could have when you meet someone:


1. Absolute wow: "When I first saw him it was like my innards all melted inside me. I flushed, my knees felt weak and my hands shook."

2. Slightly positive: "When she was first introduced to me, I thought she was just average looking, but very nice. I felt she would be easy to be with."

3. Feeling nothing: "We met several times, in a group, and I never noticed him one way or the other. He was there, but I didn't feel anything about him either attracted or repelled."

4. Slightly put off: "The first time he called me, I remember not liking his voice. His manner of speech put me off, and his voice was grating."

5. Repulsed: "We met on a blind date, and when he came to pick me up I thought to myself, 'How am I going to get through this evening?'"

You know from previous articles that attraction was somehow built into our genes and hormones to get the pairing process started.

Evolutionists tell us attraction was built into us humans in "pre-verbal" days, before we had the communication skills we have today. How the genes and hormones came to be programmed is not important. It's just very useful to notice that attraction is imprinted in us when we were way too young to have reasoned judgement.

You also know attraction can lead us astray if we were genetically programmed to be attracted to people who make bad lifetime partners.

If attraction is working for you, let it.

If it isn't, that is, you're not attracted to anyone, then you'll just have to jump past attraction and move right into the courting phase, and allow the pairing process to begin there.


Sally thought she had a problem of not being attracted to anyone. It turned out that she frequently felt slightly positive upon meeting someone. Her problem was that she expected to find Mr. Wonderful and get an absolute Wow! kind of reaction — Hollywood's version of love at first sight.

When she read the book on attraction from the MetaMating series, she discovered not all that many happily married people started out with the big Wow!.

Sally was relieved and changed her expectations. The last I heard from Sally, she was engaged to a wonderful fellow and reported that she did feel very attracted to him now, even though she hadn't felt any attraction upon meeting. Her feelings of attraction had grown over the time that they had been together.


Phil thought he had a problem because he seldom even felt slightly attracted when meeting someone new. He thought he needed therapy to find out what was wrong with him because he didn't feel anything at all.

All he needed was to discover that some people are imprinted with attraction characteristics that aren't easily uncovered upon first meeting someone. Phil realized that what really attracted him in a woman was someone who was nurturing, and took pleasure in cooking for him, and someone who was relaxed and easy to be with when they were quiet together.

Those characteristics couldn't be discovered easily when meeting a new person.

He had met women before who fit these characteristics but he had not pursued relationships with them because there was no big initial Wow.


Sandra had a different problem. She was neutral upon meeting a new man, and would feel repulsed if he gave any sign of being attracted to her. It turned out that Sandra had been sexually attacked as a teen, and had made a wrong learning from it.

Instead of learning simply to watch out for situations where she was vulnerable to attack, she learned to watch out for any sign that a man found her attractive. This meant that any sign of a guy being attracted to her brought back memories of her painful experience.

Sandra solved her problem in two steps. First, she recognized her problem and decided to change the learning she had made. She decided to continue to watch out for situations where she would be vulnerable to sexual attack, but react more positively to attraction indicators.

More importantly, she learned that attraction or even repulsion are only first steps and not even necessary steps to begin the pairing process. She decided that she would push on through her feelings of discomfort and encourage courting to take place.

After several tries, she successfully entered into courting and that led to infatuation. She discovered that when she reached infatuation, all the early feelings of repulsion had disappeared.

Even if she had not chosen to change her wrong learning, she might have solved her problem by learning that attraction or repulsion are only starting points in a relationship and not something that plays a critical role in determining how long a relationship lasts.

Parts of this article are excerpts from book three of the MetaMating series. You can see the entire MetaMating series at

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